.

Will he love you like I loved you? Will he tell you everyday?
Will he make you feel invincible with every word he'll say?

Can you promise me? If this is right, don't throw it all away.

A letter to Marethyu

I've finally accepted my fate.

As tenacious as I've been the past two years, it is time to raise the white flag. Fear not. I maybe defeated but I'm not broken. Some battles are necessary to prevent further mayhem. In these instances, the losers are the true winners. A warrior's valor grows ten-fold as his wounds heal.

You uttered the outcome of this battle right from the very start. I just refused to acknowledge it and pressed on. Had I listened to what you said that night, I wouldn't be where I am today. Had I ran away that night, this story wouldn't have unfolded. And what a story it has been.

As I lay down the final pages of the Book, I couldn't help but weep. I can't remember the last time this warrior cried. I relished every tear drop, every sniff, every sigh. It washed me anew.

Now I feel more prepared, to face what lies ahead. Our roads have diverged but I'm excited to tread mine. While we now walk different paths, I know you'll continue to watch over me. I promise to watch over you.

- Silver

/parallels/

He braves the halls of the indifferent -
this hopeless little gambler.
Lost in its great labyrinth,
he fumbles, tumbles, and crawls.

He braves the halls of the enchanted -
this hopeful little gambler.
Lost in its great labyrinth,
he fumbles, tumbles, and crawls.

Light abandons him without remorse,
shamed by his mortifying countenance.
He shrouds himself with the Darkness,
furiously wielding the blade of the forgotten.

Darkness engulfs him without remorse,
jealous of his sublime countenance.
He cloaks himself with the Light,
calmly wielding the blade of the chosen.

For hope is a deceptively cruel child -
sparking the grandest of flames,
yet flickering in the darkest of darkness;
forever dancing with life and death.

For hope is a tender and kind lover -
sparking the smallest of flames,
yet shining through the darkest of darkness;
forever nurturing the kindest of hearts.

Nothing but flesh

I've never been a fan of random casual encounters. While the thought evokes hot fantasies, I find it rather hollow with the sole purpose of quenching a primal thirst. I always look for a certain something that attracts me to that person. It can be the same musical interest, a like for nerdy things, or even the simple awkward conversational dance of discerning whether you like [to bone] each other or not.

My experience earlier this evening was quite odd, at least for me.

He messaged me in Grindr, a young hot Chinese guy from Singapore. He was on a short vacation with his family near my place. I dunno what attracted me to him the most - his awkward eagerness albeit the struggle to express himself in English, his adorable tampo that I forgot to save his number, or his boyish good looks. When he finally asked me out for dinner, I said yes. After all, all he wanted was to have dinner with me.

I went to a gas station near his place. I was waiting for a twinkish-looking Chinese guy but what arrived surprised me. His profile pic only framed his boyish face so I was expecting someone slender. His face was young-looking indeed, but he was about 3 inches taller me and his physic was muscular. His buff arms, broad shoulders, and firm pecs looked damn fine in that thin gray shirt.

I was aghast. My closest friends would know that I mumble around beautiful people.

He brought me to his restaurant of choice and we had dinner. I was trying to compose myself, trying to calm the giddiness I was feeling. I knew he was cute. I didn't expect him to be hot. I started the conversations with my casual charm. After all, charm and wit is always my weapon with choice. I know I'm not much of a looker, but I can charm my way into something I want.

The response, however, fell flat. He didn't talk much. He was restless, checking his phone from time to time and texting. He hardly looked at me and even checked his Grindr profile. I knew that the lack of English speaking skills wasn't the problem - he was showing that he didn't want to be there. At some point, I just silently ate and thought of the best way to exit gracefully.

We paid for our own meals separately and left the restaurant. I was hoping that he would give a lame excuse to leave, that way it would be easier to save face. That was the most awkward dinner I've had in my entire life.

He stood there looking at me, deep in thought. When I was about to give my excuse, he said: "We can't go to my house. My parents are there. Let's go somewhere else." He started walking around, looking for a nearby motel. I kept a small distance, perplexed. I thought it was going really badly, so what the hell is happening? Ok. Maybe he really just want a BJ or something and he'll just lie on the bed and let me do all the work.

We couldn't find a motel so he decided to take me to the mall. We went to the topmost bathroom and locked ourselves in a stall. We proceeded to fondle each other, with him taking the lead. As we were about to undress, the janitor shouted that the mall is about to close. We dressed up and went out.

This was over. He would finally realize that this was a mistake and leave. Instead, he led me to a taxi and we went to a hotel in the nearby town. We got to the motel. He took the lead aggressively and kept uttering how sexy I was. It was hot, sweaty, and utterly perplexing. When we were done, we went out and he insisted to pay for the room. We shared a taxi on the way home.

Charm has always been my strong suit. It feels odd that someone would find me attractive solely because of my looks.

Panic Attack

I grew up in a family of neat-freaks. Everyday, my two aunts meticulously clean every nook and cranny of the house. One of them gladly added cleaning the bathroom every 4am to her morning ritual. Once she gets home in the evening from work, she cooks then scrubs the kitchen tiles and counters until they are spotless (to the point that they perpetually smell of Domex). My other aunt is no exception. Every afternoon, she would sweep and mop the living room, the dining room, my room (hehe), and even the terrace. She would also tirelessly clean up our messes, scolding us in the process. In short, I am used to living in a very tidy house.

I can also be a neat-freak. However, I usually let the mess accumulate a little then I would do an all-out clean-up drive. I am especially particular with two parts of the house: the bathroom and the kitchen. The bathroom is sacred to me. Not only is it a place to cleanse the physical body, it is also where I cleanse my mind from the unnecessary pressures of real life. Most of my brightest ideas come up when I'm thinking in the bathroom. Heck, even Archimedes shouted "Eureka!" after stepping into a bathtub (or an ancient version of it). The kitchen is equally important. I love food and I love cooking so I ensure that the food I serve is not only delicious but safe.

This afternoon, our driver brought me to the apartment that the company found for me. It was my boss' old apartment. It's quite spacious: 4 small bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen, a living room, and two small balconies. All of these for the price of RM450 (PHP 6260). It's really quite cheap, especially since most flats of this size would cost around RM700-RM1000. They even said that I can sublet it. Most rooms would cost RM200-RM300 per month. If I can get others to rent, I can easily earn RM600-RM900 per month.

Such size can be an investment. However, it's worse than an unfurnished apartment - it's a dump. After my boss moved, the flat was rented by several engineering students.

When I got there, it seemed that the place has been abandoned for months. The floors are dirty and littered with hair. It seems like the past owners need a milder shampoo. In the living room, only a broken end table and a rattan couch are usable. However, the cushions are too old and dusty to be of any use. I can probably try to wash and salvage them, but I would be better off buying new ones. Here's what the living room looked like after I cleaned the floors:



They even dumped all of their old and dirty stuff in this room:


The kitchen, or what's left of it, was even worse. The grime on that metal counter is so thick, I wouldn't want to put food on it even after bathing it multiple times with clorox. Honestly, it's in a state where it should just be replaced instead of cleaned.


The same goes for the bathroom. The tiles are lined with dried mold and mildew. The toilet, shower, and sink aren't working. Moreover, there are no usable appliances. I would have to buy everything from scratch.

The absolute worst of the lot is the presence of a certain pet tank. At first, I thought it was a normal aquarium. Apparently, it was home to a 7-inch snake. When we got there, this was the state of the tank:


We asked the landlady if the snake has died. Having pity for the creature, she looked after it. According to her, the snake was very much alive the last time she fed it - which was last week. The question is, where is the snake now?

I tried my best to clean the place with the limited resources that I have. But the thought of sleeping there chilled my very soul. The thought of dust, grime, and snakes slowly gave me a panic attack. I hurriedly took a few clothes, locked the rest of my stuff in the room, and went out of the flat.

So friends, dear fellow bloggers, do you think I should keep the flat? I wouldn't mind investing, but I wouldn't live in here at this current state. If I had a few days to clean it up, buy some furniture and small appliances, and look for that damn snake, I can probably transform it into something livable. But is it worth the stress, the labor, and most especially the upkeep? How long will it take to make the other rooms enticing to promising renters? Or should I just seek for a semi-furnished/furnished room that would save me from all the hassle?

I'm really confused if I should keep it or not. But for now, I'm searching for rooms around the area, comfortable at the thought that I'll be sleeping in a hotel tonight.