Oh so stubborn

I’ve always been hard on myself. Whenever anything unfortunate happens, I always end up blaming myself for what happened even if it isn’t my fault (which is usually the case). At good days though, I can brush some things off and forget about it but there are times when I find it so hard to forgive myself.

This extends to my self-concept. I’ve always thought that I’m unattractive. Hence, I’ve distanced myself from people before I attended Migs’ party at LPL.I never opened up because I’m afraid of being turned down. I’m afraid that people would find this ugly guy uninteresting and forgettable. When I attended Migs’ party, I was stunned and baffled that some people find me attractive.

Oblivious of how to handle the attention, I mistook it for romantic interest. I was ignorant of the concept of NSA sex – I thought that every gesture towards me was rooted to their desire to become their boyfriend. Clearly, I was wrong. Some feigned interest to abate their libido, while some genuinely wanted to become friends. Not knowing the difference, I was ready to fall madly in love with anyone that showed the slightest hint of affection.

I recently understood why I am wired to think in such a way. Since I’ve always seen myself as a person of little value, I would jump at anyone to feel validated and accepted. I never saw the beautiful person that people see in me since I haven’t really accepted myself. I need to learn how to find the beauty in me. And in order to do that, I need to stop finding myself through how others view me.

How can I accomplish this? One way I’ve thought of is to improve myself as an individual. I used to eat healthy and exercise when I lived in LB. I miss the feeling of being fit; my growing love handles are starting to feed my insecurities. This may not be much, but physical wellness can be a start.

I also want to satisfy my creativity. I used to love writing prose and poetry. Right now, I am beyond rusty. I need to let my creativity flow by rediscovering the joy of writing. I think it’s also time for me to brush away the dust on my old guitar.

Next stop: to plan for the future. I’ve always been drifting aimlessly in the cosmos. I need to set my direction. What do I want to become and how can I achieve it? I have a vague idea of what I need to do. I just need a little push.

Hay naku life, I will eventually figure you out.

PS.

I talked about this with my housemate, and his knee-jerk reaction was: "talaga? ngayon mo lang narealize." Hahaha. Leche. Ako lang pala ang oblivious. Hahahaha. Come to think of it, most of my friends have been telling me this. I was just stubborn.

Of course, my entry wouldn't be complete without a song: