What a catch

I've got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match. What a catch.

the mystical buko

My former supervisor has quite an adventurous spirit. Last March, she convinced our director to conduct the brainstorming of our Project Completion Report in Las Casas Filipinas de Acuzar in Bataan. The place is simply breathtaking - a theme park of sorts, dedicated to create a Spanish colonial getaway. The park houses various 16th and 17th century homes, reconstructed to look like the original. Some houses are even built from the same materials, shipped from their respective locations in the country. The photo below shows the "center" of the park, with the reconstructed houses from Escolta in the background. I will write a more elaborate photo blog some other time.

In old places such as this, I can't help but feel nostalgic. Since the park lies on the seaside, I frequented the beach. As I was walking along the shore, this caught my attention:


To those of who who are unfamiliar to this green thing, that my friends, is a baby coconut. In tagalog, bubot na buko. The sight of this coconut brought me to when I was a wee little bubot kid in the province. I used to play a lot with this things, pretending that they are some mystical artifact enchanted with magics of the olden times. I would go about, searching for unusual trinkets that I believed were laden with powers beyond belief.

While I was reminiscing on the beach, I tried to recall how this childhood nonsense started. Then it hit me - I used to watch an old cartoon called... uhm... and I'm not proud of this... Princess Starla and the Jewel Riders.

Here's a clip of an episode called "song of the rainbow". Here, Starla and the Jewel Riders secure the rainbow jewel - one of the crowned jewels of the kingdom. The episode starts with Starla and Tamara fussing over what to wear for the fair that they are hosting. As the magical animals are about to perform, a traveling minstrel approaches Tamara with a harp (harp ba yan?). Tamara then starts to perform, the music enchants her and turns her into a zombie bard. And the rest of the story is so typical that I won't even bother to tell it.




Come to think of it, "Princess Starla and the Jewel Riders" would be a great title for a group of drag queens.

Oh so stubborn

I’ve always been hard on myself. Whenever anything unfortunate happens, I always end up blaming myself for what happened even if it isn’t my fault (which is usually the case). At good days though, I can brush some things off and forget about it but there are times when I find it so hard to forgive myself.

This extends to my self-concept. I’ve always thought that I’m unattractive. Hence, I’ve distanced myself from people before I attended Migs’ party at LPL.I never opened up because I’m afraid of being turned down. I’m afraid that people would find this ugly guy uninteresting and forgettable. When I attended Migs’ party, I was stunned and baffled that some people find me attractive.

Oblivious of how to handle the attention, I mistook it for romantic interest. I was ignorant of the concept of NSA sex – I thought that every gesture towards me was rooted to their desire to become their boyfriend. Clearly, I was wrong. Some feigned interest to abate their libido, while some genuinely wanted to become friends. Not knowing the difference, I was ready to fall madly in love with anyone that showed the slightest hint of affection.

I recently understood why I am wired to think in such a way. Since I’ve always seen myself as a person of little value, I would jump at anyone to feel validated and accepted. I never saw the beautiful person that people see in me since I haven’t really accepted myself. I need to learn how to find the beauty in me. And in order to do that, I need to stop finding myself through how others view me.

How can I accomplish this? One way I’ve thought of is to improve myself as an individual. I used to eat healthy and exercise when I lived in LB. I miss the feeling of being fit; my growing love handles are starting to feed my insecurities. This may not be much, but physical wellness can be a start.

I also want to satisfy my creativity. I used to love writing prose and poetry. Right now, I am beyond rusty. I need to let my creativity flow by rediscovering the joy of writing. I think it’s also time for me to brush away the dust on my old guitar.

Next stop: to plan for the future. I’ve always been drifting aimlessly in the cosmos. I need to set my direction. What do I want to become and how can I achieve it? I have a vague idea of what I need to do. I just need a little push.

Hay naku life, I will eventually figure you out.

PS.

I talked about this with my housemate, and his knee-jerk reaction was: "talaga? ngayon mo lang narealize." Hahaha. Leche. Ako lang pala ang oblivious. Hahahaha. Come to think of it, most of my friends have been telling me this. I was just stubborn.

Of course, my entry wouldn't be complete without a song: