Oh so stubborn

I’ve always been hard on myself. Whenever anything unfortunate happens, I always end up blaming myself for what happened even if it isn’t my fault (which is usually the case). At good days though, I can brush some things off and forget about it but there are times when I find it so hard to forgive myself.

This extends to my self-concept. I’ve always thought that I’m unattractive. Hence, I’ve distanced myself from people before I attended Migs’ party at LPL.I never opened up because I’m afraid of being turned down. I’m afraid that people would find this ugly guy uninteresting and forgettable. When I attended Migs’ party, I was stunned and baffled that some people find me attractive.

Oblivious of how to handle the attention, I mistook it for romantic interest. I was ignorant of the concept of NSA sex – I thought that every gesture towards me was rooted to their desire to become their boyfriend. Clearly, I was wrong. Some feigned interest to abate their libido, while some genuinely wanted to become friends. Not knowing the difference, I was ready to fall madly in love with anyone that showed the slightest hint of affection.

I recently understood why I am wired to think in such a way. Since I’ve always seen myself as a person of little value, I would jump at anyone to feel validated and accepted. I never saw the beautiful person that people see in me since I haven’t really accepted myself. I need to learn how to find the beauty in me. And in order to do that, I need to stop finding myself through how others view me.

How can I accomplish this? One way I’ve thought of is to improve myself as an individual. I used to eat healthy and exercise when I lived in LB. I miss the feeling of being fit; my growing love handles are starting to feed my insecurities. This may not be much, but physical wellness can be a start.

I also want to satisfy my creativity. I used to love writing prose and poetry. Right now, I am beyond rusty. I need to let my creativity flow by rediscovering the joy of writing. I think it’s also time for me to brush away the dust on my old guitar.

Next stop: to plan for the future. I’ve always been drifting aimlessly in the cosmos. I need to set my direction. What do I want to become and how can I achieve it? I have a vague idea of what I need to do. I just need a little push.

Hay naku life, I will eventually figure you out.

PS.

I talked about this with my housemate, and his knee-jerk reaction was: "talaga? ngayon mo lang narealize." Hahaha. Leche. Ako lang pala ang oblivious. Hahahaha. Come to think of it, most of my friends have been telling me this. I was just stubborn.

Of course, my entry wouldn't be complete without a song:

The Phoenix Arises

Even the legendary bird of fire, with all its majesty and blazing glory, comes to an inevitable moment of passing. As it sheds its current form, the flames purge the creature of its shell. Out of the ashes, it is born anew.

Enough of the drama! Hahaha. I just want to say thanks for all the blessings I've received recently. I've been focusing too much on the crappy side of life (heartbreaks and heart-breakers) that I've lost sight of all the great things that have been happening. Seeing the bigger picture makes me realize how blessed I am. Enough of the emo phase. Enough of the drama. Life is good. =)

I just want to mention my blessings in this entry. I feel that giving them form makes my appreciation more tangible. (at least in the cyber world) And by giving it form, it would be a first step in not taking things for granted.

First off, I'm blessed to have a new job! I'll be working for the Asian Institute of Management's Policy Center (APC). I'll be with the Doing Business project and my work will focus on technical writing and research. It sounds boring but I'm pretty excited to write for each city and somehow make their voice heard. I am just thankful that APC believes in my talent.

Next, I just want to thank Mam Pam Custodio and Mam Tattie Osalla for being great academic advisers. Their guidance helped my undergraduate research evolve to what it is now. Without their help, I wouldn't have been able to present my study to two international conferences outside the country. Thanks for believing in me and pushing me to be the best that I can be.

To all my newly found friends, I love you all. Thanks for being with me in this journey. Sorry for all the whiny shit I've dumped on you. Thanks for understanding my difficulties. I'm looking forward to ages of good vibes with you. I'd rather not mention names. Baka may magselos na hindi mabanggit. Haha! Pero you know who you are. For my old friends, thanks for sticking with me.

And my family, you are awesome. I will have big news. It will rock your world. Just wait for it. =)

I am in love with life. =)

BTW, I might be moving to Mandaluyong in a few weeks. Since I'd probably be alone in the condo, I want to occupy myself with a productive hobby. This blog will record my project's journey. I don't want to announce it yet but once I made the first post, I will do the much needed revamp of the blog. Coz I got to admit. The layout sucks. Haha.

Cheers! You'll hear from me soon!

Beginnings and Cycles

I never liked introductions.

As much as I try to fake bravado when I meet new people, the fidgety little boy inside me is screaming: "Oh crap! Did I say that right? Why is he staring at me? Do I have something on my teeth? Ok, he made a joke. It's not even funny. Do I laugh? Hahahahahaha! That was too much."

Though it pains me to admit it, first impressions can be a sham. To impress someone, people usually put up a front - they dress up, act with class, and banter with wit. Some like to boast about their jobs, skills, and exploits that create a picture of their ideal self. Yet these constructs can be nothing but a wall. They are lavish shells not only built to impress but to protect the fragile creature inside.

So instead of creating a superficial shell that will tell who I am, what I do, or what I intend this blog to become, I want to share what I realized earlier - I live my life in cycles of 3 general phases. Even though I'd like to think that live in the moment, I have become a slave to patterns.

The first phase is the awesome, hard-working, super-achieving Chanot phase. I do not like to brag but I have experienced that you can indeed succeed when you strive hard for something that you want. Topping my high school entrance exam. Recognition for a low-budget short film I directed as a stint. Receiving the best research award and presenting in two international conferences in Singapore. Working hard pays off.

Sadly, the second phase is the coasting on the success of the awesome, hard-working, super-achieving Chanot phase. Once the passion and the fire comes to fruition, I often tend to relax and take it easy. Disinterest becomes the better of me and I easily get bored. I try to rekindle my passion, but usually to no avail.

The last phase is the I hate myself existential rut phase. Here, I self-loathe. I transform into a whiny emo kid that blames every mishap on himself. Though I'm glad to have grown out of self-destructiveness. To get out of the rut, I look for other avenues of enthusiasm. Change has always been my MO.

But until when can I keep this up? I cannot always just leave something and pursue a new short-lived passion. I am growing older and I need stability. I need to take my quest of self-actualization to a new stage. No more crazy schemes. I need to tone down living in the present and focus on the future. How do I see myself and how can I achieve this? I've tasted my different passions. Now, which one should I choose?

I just hope that I can be finally consistent in my go-getter phase.