Oh so stubborn

I’ve always been hard on myself. Whenever anything unfortunate happens, I always end up blaming myself for what happened even if it isn’t my fault (which is usually the case). At good days though, I can brush some things off and forget about it but there are times when I find it so hard to forgive myself.

This extends to my self-concept. I’ve always thought that I’m unattractive. Hence, I’ve distanced myself from people before I attended Migs’ party at LPL.I never opened up because I’m afraid of being turned down. I’m afraid that people would find this ugly guy uninteresting and forgettable. When I attended Migs’ party, I was stunned and baffled that some people find me attractive.

Oblivious of how to handle the attention, I mistook it for romantic interest. I was ignorant of the concept of NSA sex – I thought that every gesture towards me was rooted to their desire to become their boyfriend. Clearly, I was wrong. Some feigned interest to abate their libido, while some genuinely wanted to become friends. Not knowing the difference, I was ready to fall madly in love with anyone that showed the slightest hint of affection.

I recently understood why I am wired to think in such a way. Since I’ve always seen myself as a person of little value, I would jump at anyone to feel validated and accepted. I never saw the beautiful person that people see in me since I haven’t really accepted myself. I need to learn how to find the beauty in me. And in order to do that, I need to stop finding myself through how others view me.

How can I accomplish this? One way I’ve thought of is to improve myself as an individual. I used to eat healthy and exercise when I lived in LB. I miss the feeling of being fit; my growing love handles are starting to feed my insecurities. This may not be much, but physical wellness can be a start.

I also want to satisfy my creativity. I used to love writing prose and poetry. Right now, I am beyond rusty. I need to let my creativity flow by rediscovering the joy of writing. I think it’s also time for me to brush away the dust on my old guitar.

Next stop: to plan for the future. I’ve always been drifting aimlessly in the cosmos. I need to set my direction. What do I want to become and how can I achieve it? I have a vague idea of what I need to do. I just need a little push.

Hay naku life, I will eventually figure you out.

PS.

I talked about this with my housemate, and his knee-jerk reaction was: "talaga? ngayon mo lang narealize." Hahaha. Leche. Ako lang pala ang oblivious. Hahahaha. Come to think of it, most of my friends have been telling me this. I was just stubborn.

Of course, my entry wouldn't be complete without a song:

Look on the brightside

I'm going through a very rough patch.

I may seem jolly at the surface but I've been carrying burden after burden.

Work has become exceptionally frustrating. I'm broke. I miss my family though they are disappointed with me. I am foolish enough to get my heart broken again. But the worst is that I'm being haunted by a long-forgotten memory.

When everything seems to be going wrong, you can sometimes see a glimmer of hope from the most unusual sources.

My sister is a big fan of international indie bands. She got really excited that We The Kings, The Maine and Never Shout Never are coming to Manila on February. Of the three, I'm not familiar with the music of Never Shout Never. So I searched for their music in Youtube. It turns out that Never Shout Never is a solo act. Af first, I found him intensely annoying. The songs are cheesy as hell and his voice sounds very whiny.

As I rummaged through his videos, I came across this gem -

I was really struck by this part of the song:

I'm only as tall as my heart will let me be
And I'm only as small as the world will make me seem
When the going gets rough and I feel like I may fall
I'll look on the brightside - I'm roughly six feet tall.


Yes, unfortunate incidents have occurred. But it was up to me to wallow in self-pity or learn from my mistakes. I've been too absorbed with the negativity that I've neglected all the beautiful things that has happened to me this year.

Indeed, 2010 is such an amazingly crazy and wonderful year for me. Had my first real job in LB. I was asked to present my study in two international conferences. I was published in a Philippine Star. I fell in love. I met so many beautiful people. I fell out of love (a lot). Finally got a job in Makati. Moved to my own place in the city. Had the first taste of the worldly pleasure. Regularly having the fine taste of the worldly pleasure. Haha. Found a family in my new-found friends. Slowly shedding my fear of rejection. Finally starting to love myself.

Yes. Unfortunate events have happened. But they are part of what makes life beautiful. Without hurt, we will not revel in joy. Without pain, we will never fully appreciate pleasure. Without heartache, we will never treasure love. Acknowledge the hurt but embrace catharsis. Forgive but not forget. Truly let go.

Stop carrying the burdens of life on your back. Only then will you discover thatyou are indeed 6 feet tall. =D

The sweetest turndown

It's usually in the dead of night that the most memorable conversations happen. Maybe it's because of alcohol or the grogginess that we tend to be more vulnerable. We cast away our inhibitions and shed a light on our true selves.

I haven't had a conversation this deep in a long time. A talk I had with a guy I fancied left me speechless, retrospective, and introspective. It came as a surprise because I've known him for less than a week. Here is a glimpse of a few things that he said to me:


Like I told you before, you are the type of person that leaves a mark. I really feel comfortable with you. We have a lot of things in common. I like talking with you. We really connect. I dunno. But I believe that we create an aura that attracts other people that are like us.

I also understand why there are people who easily fall in love with you. You are nice and sweet. Your first boyfriend will be so lucky because you'll love him with all your heart.

I also really appreciate your honesty. It's something so rare these days. I like that you are true to yourself. I admire you when you walked out in McDonalds. You are true to your emotions. I'm also like that, I can brutally frank.

So I want to say that I really value you as a person. I really value you as a friend. I'm sorry if ever led you on. But I really value friendships more that relationships. Friendships last. Relationships can end with a single fight. I can back off now if you want. But honestly, I don't. I really want to be friends with you.

You are a really great person. You just need to be comfortable in your own skin and appreciate who you are. That's the problem with people nowadays, they cannot see how great of a person they are."


I admit that I was really sad at the beginning. I couldn't process the fact that we really connect and he's really into me yet not in the way that I expected or even wanted.

Also, I've always belittled myself. I appreciate that he sees the value in me that I don't see. More than anything, this experience is a lesson of self-love. I am learning to love myself more.

I'm glad that he was honest. I'm glad that things have been labeled and defined. I'm really happy to have found a new great friend. =)







_________________________

This whole exercise in honesty reminded me of one of my favorite Relient K songs. =)

I'd better rest my eyes
'Cause I'm growing weary of
This point you've been trying to make
So rather than imply
Why don't you just verbalize
All the things that you're trying to say

Thought this would turn out so well
But I'm beginning to see
That instead it's trouble
Into a pattern we fell
Of prolonging the inevitable

[Chorus:]
Why don't you
Come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)?
What it is you're thinking
Though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear

I better check my pride
Because I was starting to think
I was on to something good
But things started to slide
And I sit here in retrospect
And understanding that I misunderstood
Thought I could make up your mind
And then this decision locks up
So tight it couldn't be touched
Thought you were being so kind
But keeping your mouth sealed shut
Rather than just opening it up

[Chorus]

And I tried
To guess what goes on in your head
'Cause in your mind
I just might find
All those things you left unsaid
And I'll try to maybe not regret anything
Later on after I'm gone
You'll wish that you
Had listened to me (listened to me)

Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are gonna hurt
We're better off this way
Why don't you
Come right out and say come right out and say
What I know you're thinking anyway
Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)
What it is you're thinking
And just what it is you're thinking

The Phoenix Arises

Even the legendary bird of fire, with all its majesty and blazing glory, comes to an inevitable moment of passing. As it sheds its current form, the flames purge the creature of its shell. Out of the ashes, it is born anew.

Enough of the drama! Hahaha. I just want to say thanks for all the blessings I've received recently. I've been focusing too much on the crappy side of life (heartbreaks and heart-breakers) that I've lost sight of all the great things that have been happening. Seeing the bigger picture makes me realize how blessed I am. Enough of the emo phase. Enough of the drama. Life is good. =)

I just want to mention my blessings in this entry. I feel that giving them form makes my appreciation more tangible. (at least in the cyber world) And by giving it form, it would be a first step in not taking things for granted.

First off, I'm blessed to have a new job! I'll be working for the Asian Institute of Management's Policy Center (APC). I'll be with the Doing Business project and my work will focus on technical writing and research. It sounds boring but I'm pretty excited to write for each city and somehow make their voice heard. I am just thankful that APC believes in my talent.

Next, I just want to thank Mam Pam Custodio and Mam Tattie Osalla for being great academic advisers. Their guidance helped my undergraduate research evolve to what it is now. Without their help, I wouldn't have been able to present my study to two international conferences outside the country. Thanks for believing in me and pushing me to be the best that I can be.

To all my newly found friends, I love you all. Thanks for being with me in this journey. Sorry for all the whiny shit I've dumped on you. Thanks for understanding my difficulties. I'm looking forward to ages of good vibes with you. I'd rather not mention names. Baka may magselos na hindi mabanggit. Haha! Pero you know who you are. For my old friends, thanks for sticking with me.

And my family, you are awesome. I will have big news. It will rock your world. Just wait for it. =)

I am in love with life. =)

BTW, I might be moving to Mandaluyong in a few weeks. Since I'd probably be alone in the condo, I want to occupy myself with a productive hobby. This blog will record my project's journey. I don't want to announce it yet but once I made the first post, I will do the much needed revamp of the blog. Coz I got to admit. The layout sucks. Haha.

Cheers! You'll hear from me soon!

Scattered

I'm not really in the mood to blog. Will just update you on some recent life-changing events.

Just came home from Singapore after I presented my research paper. The academe received it well and some expressed interest in inviting me to work with them. Will be looking for the most appropriate university. A lot of stuff happened in Singapore. Will write a better blog about it. I just need to deconstruct the events. =)

Also, it looks like I'll be working as a technical writer and researcher for the Asian Institute of Management's Policy Center. Will negotiate the final terms tomorrow.

Finally, I am once again... heartbroken. Don't want to go into details. I'll be over it soon. But for this night, I want this song to speak for me:

Mayday Parade - The Last Something That Meant Anything

Well I thought that we could sit around and, talk for hours
About things I couldn't say to you
And things that we could never do and,
This conversation has had no face
When the words take days you can re-write and erase anything

You know my heart
(so tell honestly do you ever really want this?)
Knows all these parts...

And I'll borrow words from all my favorite paragraphs
To write a ballad while we say the things
We'd hope would mean the most to me
And each line is sent
I have found in new pages of hope for the days
when I feel like I've lost everything

You know my heart (so tell me honestly do you ever really want this)
Knows all these parts (cause my jealous heart really can't take that)
So I'll sing this song for every word that's come out wrong
But, I'll be OK (Is that what you want me to say?)
It's called breakup
'Cause it's broken
And I'll be OK (is that what you want me to say?)
It's called breakup
'Cause it's broken

[chorus]
I'll be OK
Is that what you want me to say
It's called Breakup
'Cause it's broken
[x2]

I'll be OK, is that what you want me to say?
(It's called breakup) Cause it's broken
And you were just about to tell me
How you meant that you were sorry
And the lines we've said that
Never meant the world to you
Wrote me down lets keep it slow
Take every note and every page that takes you longer
The cherry flavored kisses
Well I taste them
Do you miss it?

I'll be OK
Is that what you want me to say
It's called Breakup
Cause it's broken
[x2]

Well I thought that we could sit around and, talk for hours
About things I couldn't say to you
And things that we could never do

For the record, I DIDN'T breakup with anyone. Don't get any ideas.