Beginnings and Cycles

I never liked introductions.

As much as I try to fake bravado when I meet new people, the fidgety little boy inside me is screaming: "Oh crap! Did I say that right? Why is he staring at me? Do I have something on my teeth? Ok, he made a joke. It's not even funny. Do I laugh? Hahahahahaha! That was too much."

Though it pains me to admit it, first impressions can be a sham. To impress someone, people usually put up a front - they dress up, act with class, and banter with wit. Some like to boast about their jobs, skills, and exploits that create a picture of their ideal self. Yet these constructs can be nothing but a wall. They are lavish shells not only built to impress but to protect the fragile creature inside.

So instead of creating a superficial shell that will tell who I am, what I do, or what I intend this blog to become, I want to share what I realized earlier - I live my life in cycles of 3 general phases. Even though I'd like to think that live in the moment, I have become a slave to patterns.

The first phase is the awesome, hard-working, super-achieving Chanot phase. I do not like to brag but I have experienced that you can indeed succeed when you strive hard for something that you want. Topping my high school entrance exam. Recognition for a low-budget short film I directed as a stint. Receiving the best research award and presenting in two international conferences in Singapore. Working hard pays off.

Sadly, the second phase is the coasting on the success of the awesome, hard-working, super-achieving Chanot phase. Once the passion and the fire comes to fruition, I often tend to relax and take it easy. Disinterest becomes the better of me and I easily get bored. I try to rekindle my passion, but usually to no avail.

The last phase is the I hate myself existential rut phase. Here, I self-loathe. I transform into a whiny emo kid that blames every mishap on himself. Though I'm glad to have grown out of self-destructiveness. To get out of the rut, I look for other avenues of enthusiasm. Change has always been my MO.

But until when can I keep this up? I cannot always just leave something and pursue a new short-lived passion. I am growing older and I need stability. I need to take my quest of self-actualization to a new stage. No more crazy schemes. I need to tone down living in the present and focus on the future. How do I see myself and how can I achieve this? I've tasted my different passions. Now, which one should I choose?

I just hope that I can be finally consistent in my go-getter phase.