Look on the brightside

I'm going through a very rough patch.

I may seem jolly at the surface but I've been carrying burden after burden.

Work has become exceptionally frustrating. I'm broke. I miss my family though they are disappointed with me. I am foolish enough to get my heart broken again. But the worst is that I'm being haunted by a long-forgotten memory.

When everything seems to be going wrong, you can sometimes see a glimmer of hope from the most unusual sources.

My sister is a big fan of international indie bands. She got really excited that We The Kings, The Maine and Never Shout Never are coming to Manila on February. Of the three, I'm not familiar with the music of Never Shout Never. So I searched for their music in Youtube. It turns out that Never Shout Never is a solo act. Af first, I found him intensely annoying. The songs are cheesy as hell and his voice sounds very whiny.

As I rummaged through his videos, I came across this gem -

I was really struck by this part of the song:

I'm only as tall as my heart will let me be
And I'm only as small as the world will make me seem
When the going gets rough and I feel like I may fall
I'll look on the brightside - I'm roughly six feet tall.


Yes, unfortunate incidents have occurred. But it was up to me to wallow in self-pity or learn from my mistakes. I've been too absorbed with the negativity that I've neglected all the beautiful things that has happened to me this year.

Indeed, 2010 is such an amazingly crazy and wonderful year for me. Had my first real job in LB. I was asked to present my study in two international conferences. I was published in a Philippine Star. I fell in love. I met so many beautiful people. I fell out of love (a lot). Finally got a job in Makati. Moved to my own place in the city. Had the first taste of the worldly pleasure. Regularly having the fine taste of the worldly pleasure. Haha. Found a family in my new-found friends. Slowly shedding my fear of rejection. Finally starting to love myself.

Yes. Unfortunate events have happened. But they are part of what makes life beautiful. Without hurt, we will not revel in joy. Without pain, we will never fully appreciate pleasure. Without heartache, we will never treasure love. Acknowledge the hurt but embrace catharsis. Forgive but not forget. Truly let go.

Stop carrying the burdens of life on your back. Only then will you discover thatyou are indeed 6 feet tall. =D

Video love letter of a gay guy to his deaf boyfriend

This is sweet...

...and I love Relient K. =)

The sweetest turndown

It's usually in the dead of night that the most memorable conversations happen. Maybe it's because of alcohol or the grogginess that we tend to be more vulnerable. We cast away our inhibitions and shed a light on our true selves.

I haven't had a conversation this deep in a long time. A talk I had with a guy I fancied left me speechless, retrospective, and introspective. It came as a surprise because I've known him for less than a week. Here is a glimpse of a few things that he said to me:


Like I told you before, you are the type of person that leaves a mark. I really feel comfortable with you. We have a lot of things in common. I like talking with you. We really connect. I dunno. But I believe that we create an aura that attracts other people that are like us.

I also understand why there are people who easily fall in love with you. You are nice and sweet. Your first boyfriend will be so lucky because you'll love him with all your heart.

I also really appreciate your honesty. It's something so rare these days. I like that you are true to yourself. I admire you when you walked out in McDonalds. You are true to your emotions. I'm also like that, I can brutally frank.

So I want to say that I really value you as a person. I really value you as a friend. I'm sorry if ever led you on. But I really value friendships more that relationships. Friendships last. Relationships can end with a single fight. I can back off now if you want. But honestly, I don't. I really want to be friends with you.

You are a really great person. You just need to be comfortable in your own skin and appreciate who you are. That's the problem with people nowadays, they cannot see how great of a person they are."


I admit that I was really sad at the beginning. I couldn't process the fact that we really connect and he's really into me yet not in the way that I expected or even wanted.

Also, I've always belittled myself. I appreciate that he sees the value in me that I don't see. More than anything, this experience is a lesson of self-love. I am learning to love myself more.

I'm glad that he was honest. I'm glad that things have been labeled and defined. I'm really happy to have found a new great friend. =)







_________________________

This whole exercise in honesty reminded me of one of my favorite Relient K songs. =)

I'd better rest my eyes
'Cause I'm growing weary of
This point you've been trying to make
So rather than imply
Why don't you just verbalize
All the things that you're trying to say

Thought this would turn out so well
But I'm beginning to see
That instead it's trouble
Into a pattern we fell
Of prolonging the inevitable

[Chorus:]
Why don't you
Come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)?
What it is you're thinking
Though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear

I better check my pride
Because I was starting to think
I was on to something good
But things started to slide
And I sit here in retrospect
And understanding that I misunderstood
Thought I could make up your mind
And then this decision locks up
So tight it couldn't be touched
Thought you were being so kind
But keeping your mouth sealed shut
Rather than just opening it up

[Chorus]

And I tried
To guess what goes on in your head
'Cause in your mind
I just might find
All those things you left unsaid
And I'll try to maybe not regret anything
Later on after I'm gone
You'll wish that you
Had listened to me (listened to me)

Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are gonna hurt
We're better off this way
Why don't you
Come right out and say come right out and say
What I know you're thinking anyway
Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)
What it is you're thinking
And just what it is you're thinking

Janus, Emissary of Kronos

Allow me to carry you to the great beyond -
to the myriad of fruits waiting to be reaped,
to the dependable uncertainty before us,
to the dreaded banquet of the unknown.

Allow me to carry you from your wake -
from the pleasures of the essence of love,
from the shackles and pangs of guilt,
from the hollowness of your loneliness.

Allow me to carry you in my stillness -
here where laughter is forever cherished,
here where time never tarries,
here where heartaches never cease to exist.

Will you wait for me?

...because I will wait for you.

The last phone call

"Gago ka talaga"

"Mas gago ka."

"I hate you."

"Tangina mo. I hate you more."

"Tangina mo rin."

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you rin."

...
...
...

"I love you Chanot."

"I love you too."

Fear, Lust, and Survival

"Kuyaaa!"

My sister yelped as gunfire blazed outside our house. She ducked and slowly crawled to my side of the hall, carefully moving with her body flat on the floor.

I pressed my finger on my lips and urged her to hush. I bent towards her head and whispered, "Stay put. I have to go outside. They need my help".

I crawled towards the trunk and opened it. Inside where two revolvers - one green and of orange color. I held the guns closely and stared at the golden engraving. The words glistened as the amber light of dusk reflected on the surface. The label on the orange gun said "for local use only" while the green revolver had "for international use only".

I picked up the green gun, believing the power of its superior quality. I returned to my sister and told her to keep still. As I was about to leave, she grabbed my arm and handed me a spherical device embellished with knobs and buttons. "Use this kuya, this will kill all those bastards", she said. "But I don't know the code", I told her. She replied, "it's tattooed on the crotch of the one you love."

I got up and went to my room. Lying on my bed is my lover, eyes closed from deep slumber. Slowly, I removed the sheets and revealed the glorious naked body underneath. I peered into the crotch and copied the code for the bomb. (Ok. I won't describe in detail how I got the code and the "things" that happened after. Trust me, there were a lot of "things". And I won't give any description since the lover is a blogger. lol. I blame Aw for implanting the idea.).

As we released in unison, the spherical bomb started to glow. I entered the code and the bomb's mechanism activated. Shortly, metal parts that resemble appendages sprung from the sphere, detaching and attaching themselves in perfect unison; forming what seemed like a motorized chrome jigsaw. As the sphere twisted to its final form, a big blue button emerged from the center. Just one press and the bomb will detonate.

I ran outside and found my aunt fighting off the fiends. Dark creatures nested themselves on the huge rambutan tree in our backyard. One at a time they descended from the tree, black creatures with gnarled arms, twisting and turning in utter frenzy. Their faces were blank yet their stare was ghoul-like. The gaze sends shivered to my spine, eating my very soul.

"Don't look at their faces!", shouted my aunt as she volleyed rounds after rounds of ammunition with her machine gun. As she was firing, my other aunt removed the pins of her grenade and threw them to the black ones. The grenade exploded and blew a black one into bits. But as one creature died, another one appeared.

I shot a black one's head with my green international gun. It wobbled for a while, then glared at me with the hole on its head. It giggled - well, it seemed like it giggled - waves rippled from its head while its arms stretched and trashed mockingly.

"It's no use!", I shouted. "

The bomb! Use the bomb!", screeched my aunt while emptying her last round.

I removed the bomb from my pocket. Its touch on my palm calmed me as it glowed a faint red. I pressed the button and...

... I woke up. Monday morning once again.

Yes, I'll smoke your cigarette and hush

They were in Manila last Tuesday for a 4-hour layover. So that's why my spider sense was tingling.

'nuff said.

Quetzalcoat'l

Lamentations of heaven cover the light -

creeping silently, foreboding relentlessly.

Strange and dreary at the time of flight,

creating whispers of insecurity.

At the crack of the blade,

the whimpering tenants of the sky

fill the earth with tears.

The Phoenix Arises

Even the legendary bird of fire, with all its majesty and blazing glory, comes to an inevitable moment of passing. As it sheds its current form, the flames purge the creature of its shell. Out of the ashes, it is born anew.

Enough of the drama! Hahaha. I just want to say thanks for all the blessings I've received recently. I've been focusing too much on the crappy side of life (heartbreaks and heart-breakers) that I've lost sight of all the great things that have been happening. Seeing the bigger picture makes me realize how blessed I am. Enough of the emo phase. Enough of the drama. Life is good. =)

I just want to mention my blessings in this entry. I feel that giving them form makes my appreciation more tangible. (at least in the cyber world) And by giving it form, it would be a first step in not taking things for granted.

First off, I'm blessed to have a new job! I'll be working for the Asian Institute of Management's Policy Center (APC). I'll be with the Doing Business project and my work will focus on technical writing and research. It sounds boring but I'm pretty excited to write for each city and somehow make their voice heard. I am just thankful that APC believes in my talent.

Next, I just want to thank Mam Pam Custodio and Mam Tattie Osalla for being great academic advisers. Their guidance helped my undergraduate research evolve to what it is now. Without their help, I wouldn't have been able to present my study to two international conferences outside the country. Thanks for believing in me and pushing me to be the best that I can be.

To all my newly found friends, I love you all. Thanks for being with me in this journey. Sorry for all the whiny shit I've dumped on you. Thanks for understanding my difficulties. I'm looking forward to ages of good vibes with you. I'd rather not mention names. Baka may magselos na hindi mabanggit. Haha! Pero you know who you are. For my old friends, thanks for sticking with me.

And my family, you are awesome. I will have big news. It will rock your world. Just wait for it. =)

I am in love with life. =)

BTW, I might be moving to Mandaluyong in a few weeks. Since I'd probably be alone in the condo, I want to occupy myself with a productive hobby. This blog will record my project's journey. I don't want to announce it yet but once I made the first post, I will do the much needed revamp of the blog. Coz I got to admit. The layout sucks. Haha.

Cheers! You'll hear from me soon!

Scattered

I'm not really in the mood to blog. Will just update you on some recent life-changing events.

Just came home from Singapore after I presented my research paper. The academe received it well and some expressed interest in inviting me to work with them. Will be looking for the most appropriate university. A lot of stuff happened in Singapore. Will write a better blog about it. I just need to deconstruct the events. =)

Also, it looks like I'll be working as a technical writer and researcher for the Asian Institute of Management's Policy Center. Will negotiate the final terms tomorrow.

Finally, I am once again... heartbroken. Don't want to go into details. I'll be over it soon. But for this night, I want this song to speak for me:

Mayday Parade - The Last Something That Meant Anything

Well I thought that we could sit around and, talk for hours
About things I couldn't say to you
And things that we could never do and,
This conversation has had no face
When the words take days you can re-write and erase anything

You know my heart
(so tell honestly do you ever really want this?)
Knows all these parts...

And I'll borrow words from all my favorite paragraphs
To write a ballad while we say the things
We'd hope would mean the most to me
And each line is sent
I have found in new pages of hope for the days
when I feel like I've lost everything

You know my heart (so tell me honestly do you ever really want this)
Knows all these parts (cause my jealous heart really can't take that)
So I'll sing this song for every word that's come out wrong
But, I'll be OK (Is that what you want me to say?)
It's called breakup
'Cause it's broken
And I'll be OK (is that what you want me to say?)
It's called breakup
'Cause it's broken

[chorus]
I'll be OK
Is that what you want me to say
It's called Breakup
'Cause it's broken
[x2]

I'll be OK, is that what you want me to say?
(It's called breakup) Cause it's broken
And you were just about to tell me
How you meant that you were sorry
And the lines we've said that
Never meant the world to you
Wrote me down lets keep it slow
Take every note and every page that takes you longer
The cherry flavored kisses
Well I taste them
Do you miss it?

I'll be OK
Is that what you want me to say
It's called Breakup
Cause it's broken
[x2]

Well I thought that we could sit around and, talk for hours
About things I couldn't say to you
And things that we could never do

For the record, I DIDN'T breakup with anyone. Don't get any ideas.

Pleasure and Plantsadora

June 15, 2010. 3:06pm. I am horny.

I just woke up from a nap. Frustrated by the hogwash sentences and superficial discussions, I opted to take a break from thesis editing.

Signed in to Twitter. Everyone's talking about the world cup.

Signed in to Facebook. No one interesting to chat with.

Without a hint remorse, my playful hands wandered to a blog of even more playful sorts.

Asian? No.

American? No.

European? No.

Nerdy? Oh hell yes!

As I the download finished, I immersed in a tale of the nerdy secretary and the manipulative boss. As the lovers kiss, I slowly rub my hands up and down my chest. Shirts come off. So did mine. I caress my thighs. The afternoon sun did nothing but intensify the heat that swells and pulses through my skin. As they slowly go down, I fondled my throbbing manhood. I pulled down my boxers. The lovers' moan in ecstasy satiated our living room in its full joyous wonder. Breaths got heavier. Moans got louder. Everything got faster and faster and faster and wonderful and magnificent and sensational and and awesome and brilliant and ecstatic and and and and and and...

..and in perfect harmony the three of us exploded in all of its beauty.

I got up and washed myself. I put my clothes back on and proceeded with the editing.

The phone rings. My aunt reminds me to give Manang Plantsadora some merienda. I told her that she didn't come. Must have forgot, I guess.

I got up and started making a cheese panini. As I was reaching for the bread, I heard a voice from outside of the window. There she was, Manang Plantsadora, asking for a glass of cold water. She's thirsty from ironing all of our clothes - all FIVE PILES of them.

I fetched a glass of cold water. I gave it to her and she smiled. Manang Plantsadora NEVER smiles. This was the first time she smiled at me.

Goodbye Ed and Al. I will miss you.

I admit I feel a bit sad that Fullmetal Alchemist finally ended. I started following the story about 2004 and religiously followed the anime and manga until its end this June. Though I feel sad that the story finally ended, I am happy to have experienced it in full glory. And what an apt ending! This is truly one of the best written anime... heck, on of the best stories created.

There are so many things to love about the series. On the surface, the story, the characters, and the action can easily appeal with the young audience. But what I love about it is the depth of the characters - something that a lot of animes lack. The roots of the story also revolves around alchemy and its philosophies. The foremost is alchemy's law of equivalent exchange, which states that "humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost."

But what I adore about the story is the relationship between the main character Edward and his brother Alphonse. The unconditional brotherly love is just inspiring. As kids, they were solely raised by their mum when their father abandoned them. When their mum died, the kids were forced to use human alchemy that promises to bring their mum back to life. Sadly, the law of equivalent exchange requires an offering of the same value. Thus, the gate of alchemy took Alphonse as a sacrifice. Edward tried to save his brother and the gate severed his right hand and left foot in the process. As the gate waned, the boys failed to revive their mother and created an abomination. Fearing that he'll lose Alphonse, Edward bound his brother's soul to a medieval armor. To replace the lost limbs, Edward's childhood sweetheart equipped him with a metal arm and a metal leg. In the aftermath, Edward vowed to train their alchemy and bring their bodies back.

As the story progressed, their brotherly love was tested but they kept their faith. I don't want to go into details because too much stuff happened in the course of the story.

But I do want to say that they are very well-written foil characters. Edward is talented but arrogant, brash, and ill-mannered. As the older brother, he feels responsible for their misfortune and strives to achieve his goals. However, his meager short frame makes him seem like the younger brother. Meanwhile, armor-bound Alphonse is towering when standing next to his brother. He is mild-mannered, soft-spoken, and wiser than Edward. People often mistake him as the older one.

Fullmetal Alchemist had a lot more action packed, exciting, and thought provoking characters and storylines. But I personally believe that the brothers shine above the rest.


Chismis: Since I am talking about endings, I wanna share something. I've been interacting with someone for a little more than 8 weeks now. Today was the first 24 hours since that eight weeks that we didn't interact in any way. I'm not really sad or happy about it. And it's not really an ending. The daily talk just ended today. I'm just saying. Well, carry on. =) And yes, I purposely wrote this in fine print. Haha.

Yes, I used to be in TV.

One by one, out of the bus we were gone.
I skipped down the stairs with my little feet, anxiously chatting with anyone I meet.
There it was, foreboding but magnificent - the building where happiness is evident.
I got my little blue ticket, and put it in my pocket.
As we all seated at the big hall, the lights brightened up the wall.
Men and women scampered about, doing their business no doubt.
Then a kind-looking lady came and asked, "Hey kid, wanna be part of the cast?"
I asked, "Mam, what will I do?". She said, "Smile and hold this shampoo!"
So then they sang, about cleanliness and bang!
I was suddenly in Batibot, the kid named Chanot.

Believe me, I tried to look for footage of the said episode but to no avail! I remember that we had a Betamax copy of it but the film was eaten by mold. All I have was a picture of me in the bus. (Yes. I am well aware that doesn't prove anything.)


And since I posted a baby pic, let's keep 'em coming!

(a-liiiiiiine!)

(i love and miss my lola!)

(see? the hat obsession started young.)

(you can't be any groovier than that! my mom thinks so!)

(me and my dad in our ancestral home)

(I don't want a picture! I wanna ride the bike.)

(I was upset that it wouldn't move. I got MORE upset when it did.)

(Looking like a fool with the pants on the ground!
Me and Tita S)

(Me and Tita A.
And no, not all of my aunt's names are single letters.)

(LOL. What the hell am I doing?
That's Tita D, btw.)

(I wonder where that hat is now? hmm...)

(Hahahahahaha! Kaya pala.)

(Got a problem with me?)

(My cousins! The white chair says it all.)

(Back in the day, I was a male escort.)

(How you say no to that face? loljk.)

If anyone can ask Kuya Bodjie about the episode, lemme know! =)

♫♪ Pagmulat ng mata, diretso sa kubeta. Mag-Baaaaa ♪♫